As I was avoiding some of my work the other day, I came across this post over at Scary Mommy. The gist of it was a mother (a guest post) explaining why she wasn’t OK with her child’s 4th grade teacher being “openly” gay. (As opposed to being “closed” which means…????). I left a long-winded comment, but it got my mind thinking.

How am I raising my child?

As some of you might already be aware, my wife and I are in the process of an amicable divorce. No fighting, nothing bitter or whatnot. (We actually get along great. Just wasn’t meant to be married anymore I guess.) But as littleman grows up, we will be faced with a lot of choices and issues surrounding him. As it stands now, Mamma and I are pretty much on the same page. But he’s only 3, so there haven’t been many things to really deal with. But they’ll come soon enough.

The author of that post said something that just struck a chord with me: “As I raise my children, I want to surround them with people who are like-minded with us.” Am I in the minority of people who DON’T want that for their children? After all, it’s his life to live, not mine. I believe that it’s my responsibility as a parent to instill values, a sense of right and wrong. But I’m also aware that what I think is right and wrong may not be correct, or appropriate for everyone else. (If that weren’t the case, we’d all be pretty messed up.). But in the end, I want my son to have his own experience, his own live, his own story. Not one I made up for him.

I know the day will come when I need to have the talk with him about drugs and alcohol. This is one of those things that Mamma and I will probably disagree on, to some point. After all, I’m the drunkard, not her. So we clearly have different views. And while I won’t allow him to drink underage in the home (or “allow” him to do it outside), I’m also not stupid and know it’ll happen, so I plan on making sure he knows that if he’s drunk, he either needs to sleep it off there or call me and I’ll come get him, no questions asked. Buy beyond that, I don’t see much in the way of issues that I have a firm stance on that I feel he “must” follow. I’m not religious. I’m liberal, but not a zealot. I’m a nerd, and I’m pretty sure that’ll rub off on him. But after that? Sky’s the limit.

What say you?

While I am classified as being in Gen-Y (I was born in 1980), I tend to ride the fence in terms of my perceptions vs. the general sentiment of bloggers out there. One thing I’ve noticed lately is many folks giving advice (which is really closer to their opinions) on what it takes to transition into the workforce. And most of it is bullshit. But as I see it being spewn about the internet, I can’t help but remember seeing the same thing happen to me when my son was born. So how is starting a career like being a new parent?

My son will be 2 years old in August, and it’s been a non-stop learning experience since the beginning, as both my wife and I were first-time parents. Once we announced to our friends and family that we were having a baby, the floodgates opened, and out poured more useless and unsolicited advice than you could imagine. The types of advice that we received can be categorized as follows:

General Advice

This kind is pretty harmless. Most likely, these folks are just passing on some bit of experience that they’ve acquired over time, and it’s broad enough so that, while not being very helpful, certainly isn’t bad.

Outdated

I’m not saying that there aren’t things to learn from older generations. Actually, I’m a big fan of that. However, when it comes to a lot of things about raising a kid, the world has changed from when you did it 50 years ago. The technologies and education environments (not to mention medical advancements) have changed the way a lot of things are done, and for the better.

Irrelevant

I have a boy who loves to smile, wants to watch baseball before cartoons, and hates (beyond belief) getting his hair wet in the shower. So please stop telling me how ‘such and such product / service / idea’ worked for your 5 year old girl. It’s not helping. And esp. since you don’t know a thing about me or my family, what makes your believe that what you have to say makes a difference at all?

So was there anything actually useful? You bet. And interestingly enough, it came from a friend of mine who (at the time) had a 1 year old. Their experience was relevant, timely, and proved to be valuable. She told me this:

“Over everything else, never ever let the child turn you two against each other”.

She was right.

Work / Life balance. It’s a popular topic these days, with some people saying it’s impossible, while others saying it’s a matter of priorities. While they have a point, in my experience they’re missing the big picture. Everyone has balance. Because everything has weight. So while it may seem like your life is in complete disarray, it is balanced in the way you decided it should be. Don’t like it? Then change it.

Does you life feel like this? At times, mine does. Between working a full time job, going to school part-time at night, doing freelance computer work, having a 20 month old son, and being married, there are times where I feel that there is way more on my shoulders than the ground underneath can hold. Yet the ground is still holding strong. So why the worry? For me, it means that I’ve given the wrong amount of weight to the wrong things in my life. When that happens, I have to reallocate. Things that were important one day aren’t the next. They can change weekly, daily, or even hourly.

For example: a few weeks ago I got a call from daycare that my son was sick. I had a meeting in an hour, and a lot of work to get done that afternoon. What did I do? I went and got my son. Now, it’s easier to do that when it comes to you kids. But I’ve done the same thing with work issues, family, and friends. To have a balance you’re comfortable with, you have to be OK with changing the weight of everything around you. I’ve got a simple order of things:

1. My son
2. My wife
3. Immediate family / Close friends
4. Work / Career
5. Me
6. School
7. Freelancing
8. Networking

Keep in mind one important thing: my priorities are NOT created equal. It isn’t about giving everything to everyone. Doing that just makes it worse. While I certainly know my career is important, I still leave the office at 5pm sharp to get my son from daycare. He’s simply more important. And if my brother calls me needing immediate help, then I won’t be making it to class that night. And note that I included myself on that list, albeit not at the top. I am not the most important thing in my life, as much as I’d like to be sometimes.

It’s just that simple. But only if you’re willing to make sacrifices. With the items of lower importance, people could perceive me any number of ways. But it is more important that I can live with my life than they can.